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| How Much Does Your Bottled Water Really Cost You? |
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People are not only concerned with the high cost of bottled water to our wallets and the environment, but also the low quality. Here is what New York Times columnist Bill Marsh had to say in a recent article: “Those eight daily glasses of water you're supposed to drink for good health? They will cost you $0.00135 -- about 49 cents a year...
| CEO of the Home Part 2 |
| Written by Kristy Powers | |||||||
In the first installment of this article, I compared business departments to categories of tasks involved in homemaking. In this section, I will move on to talking about strategies for relating to people. These skills are useful for any human being, not just businesspeople and not just homemakers. They seem simple. That’s because they are simple; the trick is that they are hard to put into practice. As a result, we need reminders of them all the time. This segment mainly refers to two books that were good reminders to me: How to Win Friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey.
Another Version of the Golden RuleCarnegie’s very first principle is, “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.” In my experience, criticism, condemnation, and complaining can get things done in the very short term, but in the long term they will produce the same behaviors coming back at me. I will lose rapport and a spirit of friendly cooperation with my kids if I use these negative tactics. Just as bad, I will be modeling negative behavior for my kids so that they will see exactly how it’s done. Not what I want!
This principle is also tied up with the Golden Rule to treat others as I would like to be treated. I can imagine this especially with my spouse. I like to turn my behavior around in my head and ask, “What would it be like if my spouse acted this way to me?” That’s enough to change my mind and my behaviors in a flash. Covey has a related habit in his book: “Think ‘Win-Win.’” He argues that no relationship can last very long if it is conducted in either a win-lose or lose-win fashion. In win-lose, I am trying to win so that the other person necessarily loses. This is what might happen in the short term if I criticized, condemned, or complained to my children to change their behaviors. I would win because they would do what I wanted them to do. They would lose because they would do something they didn’t really want to do, and they would feel bad. As Covey says, this state of affairs would not last long. My children would not want to follow my orders, they might begin to dislike me and/or themselves, and we would not have a spirit of love or cooperation binding us together. In lose-win, I might decide that things go more smoothly if I let everyone else have their way. I make a choice to subordinate my desires and behaviors to what my husband or children want. Things may go smoothly for a while. But this situation has a tendency to spiral downward into negativity. My spouse and children won’t respect my wishes; they probably won’t even wonder if I have any desires of my own. They will learn to ignore people and focus only on what they want. With no respect between us, my relationship with other family members will be based only on what I can do for them at any given moment. As Covey says, “Both win-lose and lose-win will ultimately result in lose-lose.”
“Seek First To Understand”Another principle from Carnegie is to “talk in terms of the other person’s interests.” He says that this is the way to become an interesting conversationalist. Nothing interests another person more than himself! Let’s imagine a scenario involving the chore of brushing crumbs off the table. If I ask my son to do this chore “because I said so,” he will not be very interested in the chore at all. Another tactic using Carnegie’s principle is to let him know that he will get a lollipop when he finishes the chore. He is definitely interested in eating a lollipop. However, there’s another way to use the principle, and that is to simply explain the reason for the chore. If my son does not brush the crumbs off the table, they will remain on the table. Every time he sits down at the table, they will be there. He is interested in reasonable cleanliness. He is interested in whether or not the crumbs will get in his way or fall on him, messing up his own clothes and sticking to the bottoms of his feet when he walks in them. (I find that the first tactic works with under-three-year-olds and the second with preschool-aged children.)
I also try to do this with my husband. It is very hard to do when he comes home at night and I want to tell him all about my concerns. But it makes a difference when my husband believes that someone is interested in his work. Covey’s similar concept is “Habit 5: Seek First To Understand…Then To Be Understood.” Not only is this considerate and useful when dealing with other people, it is also a vital step. Someone who does not feel understood will not be able to do anything else in the relationship until he feels understood. His mind dwells on the idea that he is not understood and does not want to move on to seeing another perspective. For example, a teenager who wants to have a later curfew will not understand his parents’ point of view if they want only to explain their reasons to him. He will not “hear” them, or incorporate those reasons, while he feels like his parents don’t get it. Once the parents put their own priorities aside and sit down with him and make sure they do get it, he may then be able to listen to what they have to say without feeling like a victim of injustice.
Admit When You’re WrongThis principle from Carnegie builds trust and respect between parents and their children, or, actually, in any relationship. Parents are the ones in charge, and they must stay in charge, but children know when something’s not right. Admitting when we get it wrong keeps the relationship stronger than if we try to ignore, dismiss, or cover up the mistake.
Get A Yes
It is a pretty strong psychological pull to continue to agree with someone if we once begin to say “yes” to them. We may not want to lose face or the pleasant tone of the conversation by saying, “Hey, stop everything! Now I disagree with you!” Salespeople have used this principle to try to influence others for at least a century. Parents have used it for generations. This is the principle behind calling for your child or giving her an instruction and having her reply, “Yes, ma’am” (or “Yes, Mommy”). Once a child has given that yes, she is not as likely to reverse and disagree or disobey.
Let Them Surrender With DignityChildren need a little bit of space once we’ve given an instruction (and they’ve replied, “Yes, Mommy/Daddy.”) Anyone would feel resentful and angry if he were stared at by someone waiting for him to complete a task. Children may be pushed by this into behaving childishly or angrily. Telling a child that he must not touch the DVD player and then moving back to allow him to make his next choice shows respect, and an expectation that he might comply. If he decides to touch it again, the consequence should be swift, but the encounter has been fair. The child had the chance to make a free choice, without being hovered over and glared at. Expect the Best
I love how Carnegie phrases this one: “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.” In my last example, the child was given the space to make his own choice without Daddy right above him, showing by body language that he expects the child will disobey. This principle goes further than not having low expectations. Express high expectations. Compliment profusely when someone does something well. “You did an excellent job in the grocery store! You didn’t whine or cry and you gave your brother a hug! That was great!” Mention the success at other times, randomly. “I was proud that you could go through the grocery store yesterday and behave well the whole time.” Talk about the child’s strengths in front of other people, while the child is present. “He is a big help when I go to the grocery store. He comforted his little brother during our trip the other day.” The complimentary approach works wonders when the child has previously had trouble at the store. Instead of always hearing about how bad he is during shopping trips, the child begins to hear how he was helpful. Other people may compliment him. He will feel good about his nice behaviors in the store and gradually forget about his past bad behaviors. We can even express disappointment in a loving way while still giving the child “a fine reputation to live up to.” For example, “I felt disappointed when you yelled at your brother in line today. You can be so nice to your brother at other times and he loves it. I love it, too.”
Children’s DutiesCovey has a marvelous section about giving a child a job to do. He says to go ahead and give a child responsibility, even heavy responsibility. The key is to train her for it very well.
The first step is to introduce the idea that she will be taking over a certain duty. Emphasize that she will be responsible for the quality of the job. Do it with her several times, each time mentioning all the important steps and what the standard of success is. Decide on a date that she will begin to be totally responsible for the job. Make it clear that you will evaluate the job after a certain amount of time, that you will be available to help her if asked, but that you will not be doing the task anymore. Covey says to repeat many times this question and answer session about the responsibility, the resources available, and the standard of success: “How will you know the garden is taken care of?” “There will be no weeds and the plants will be growing taller each week and there will be no brown, dying plants.” “Who is in charge of the garden?” “I am.” “Who can you ask for help if you need help with a certain garden task?” “You, when you’re home.” “What tools are available for you to use?” “The gardening gloves, the hose, and the watering can.”This conversation can be replicated many times before the date that she will take over the garden. Then, the hard part: Don’t do anything about the garden. After the specified amount of time, talk it over with her. Evaluate the job she’s done. And continue the process. There is much more in both books. If anything in this article has been interesting, you may want to read Carnegie’s and Covey’s books as cited below.
Works Cited:
Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends & Influence People. New York: Pocket Books, 1936.
Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. New York: Golden Books, 1997.
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